My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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