just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
