Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize