I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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