and you said cock pushups were impossible
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i believe in u and ur pee
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