he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
