I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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