You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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