What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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