I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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