This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
