Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
