Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
