She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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