We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize