My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize