Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
