I just threw up on my dentist
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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