I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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