nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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