five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
im holly from the hills drunk
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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