Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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