We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
