Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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