I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
