Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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