so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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