He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize