"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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