I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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