dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He has the fingertips of a God
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