Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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