so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
