You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My cat gives me a boner
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
