i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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