So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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