My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
