he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
