I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry about my life...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
