You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
