I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
