Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
