I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
