I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
