Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
