I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
