Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
