Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
