why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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