and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize