Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
