i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
