we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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