3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
