Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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