I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize