Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
