So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
