Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
