Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
