Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize